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The Admission of Fear

Fear keeps you sharp and on your toes. I need a healthy amount of fear in order to go out and start fliiip (current temporary name). I remember the day that I came to San Francisco back in 2008. Man, I was so terrified. I didn't have friends nor any idea on how to make friends. Thankfully I went to school during this time but it was extremely terrifying but fear kept me moving forward.

When Fear Stops You

3 years into school and I became very content with not making a big impact in the world. That passion I came in with dissipated and I made room for being comfortable. I just wanted to do art all the time and survive. I didn't really leave my then-girlfriend's apartment and I didn't have many friends then but I was happy and content. That Freddie was happy. He still is in the past. I only cared about my girlfriend, hamster, and my art. That truly made me happy but there was a problem with the way I lived: when big things did happen to disrupt my comfortable life, they really freaked me out and I would try my hardest to get back in my routine. My disruptions were my parents calling me, moving apartments, or experiencing our hamster dying (that was a hard day) and eventually, my girlfriend leaving California.

It's hard to write all of this because it took me a while to realize that it was fear that was the root of most of my problems. I was too scared to do something big like start a company, or to leave a relationship that I didn't want to be apart of anymore. That fear kept me from being here at this moment. 

Confidence With Fear

I am an introvert. You probably you won't get that from meeting/talking to me. In fact it took years of realizing that what I had been taught by my dad was genius. He was charismatic, confident, honest, and loving. So I switched gears and decided to go back and remembered what I grew up with. But I made a very fatal error and I moved the pendulum too far to the right: I tried to eradicate fear completely. That confidence that I was carefully curating became arrogance. I lost friends, both men and women, and I generally just left a bad taste in peoples mouths.

"I know everything." "I'm better than everyone else." "Fate chose me." 

It's always been a struggle for me to strike that perfect balance between being confident enough to do anything I set out to do, being too scared and thus becoming introverted again, and not being an arrogant asshat. I needed fear but I needed to stay confident. I could lose my awesome friends, that girl that I was being an asshole to in the bar could have been someone important in my life, I didn't know everything, and I couldn't do everything alone. 

So, I'm Scared.

It's the admission of fear that created this new version of me.  Fear keeps me centered. Fear helps me make careful decisions. Fear helps me evaluate my options. Confidence is what drives that me past that fear and into the unknown.

My current worry so far is the realization that I will keep changing and updating who I am and that he is someone that I am unfamiliar with. But my true north in the long run will be one of the most important pieces of advice that my dad ever gave me: 

"It doesn't matter how much money you'll make one day, or how successful you are, always be humble." ~ Joseph Iboy.

 

I miss you, dad.